i am receiving my gift.
this is the gift.
by all means if this is the kind of failure people talked about.
then i am a failure.
havent finished her undergrad degree yet. no boyfriend. no money.
ngenes.
thats what i feel about my self. thats what people see about me too at least that's what i think.
if i change my mindset that all this failure ain't what they think they knew.
will it change the energy much?
i still have that feeling, that cynical thought that people will see me the way it appears to be.
is it always as simple and as plain as that?
it's even more complicated than i thought.
i dont even dream this.
i dont even want this.
living like this made me sick.
made me sad, feeling blue. all the time.
i feel like a walking dead although i got what people think they're dreaming of what i have.
born and raised in a wealthy family who love me much.
high reputable schools.
but i feel a void.
i feel like incomplete.
i feel misserable.
i feel this is not what i want, not what i dreamed of.
i feel lost.
but if i got a chance to change my mind that all of what i am feeling right now is a gift...
that i feel lost, misserable, incomplete, void, like a walking dead,,,
will people believe me?
i have a thought that people seemed hard to believe this not a girl not yet a woman who neeeds 7 years to get her bachelor degree? so she shut up.
will people believe that all this missery is actually a path that i will be having a great spiritual journey?
will people believe me?
are their opinion matters?
do i have to try so hard to make them believing me that i have dignity?
do i really need to prove them wrong about me?
or i am the one who really need to be proved that my thought was wrong.
that i was wrong about myself. that i got myself wrong.
that their opinion doesn't really matter anymore.
because i got someone to be convinced that all this feeling leads me to a gift. a blessing. blessing who dresses like a nightmare.
who is that person?
that's me.
me.
me.
me.
